both physically and psychologically , but strong spiritually with all prayers and His promise that’ He will never leave nor forsake me’.PRAISE HIM FOR HIS PROMISE.
You could say that I was born into a pew.
Some say I am a Christian because my Dad is a Vicar.
I say – I love Jesus because I experienced His adoration for me.
My Parents and Grandparents were all from the Brethren Church, although most of them not baptised in the Spirit they have an amazing biblical foundation. They are also really sensitive to the spiritual realm, causing some of them vulnerable to being influenced by the wrong crowds. A few of my family members are Wiccans.
“You have been specifically chosen to be born for such a time as this. You were not born into your home city by mistake.”
After having 2 boys, my Mum wanted a girl. She got pregnant at 43; my Dad was 48 years old. Being an experienced nurse, she knew the dangers of having a child so old, with Down’s syndrome. But my Mum wanted a girl and her name was to be Deborah Mary Joy.
From the age of 5 years, I had the simple faith that Jesus was God and he died for our sins, although I hadn’t experienced that reality. It was head knowledge that I could openly share.
In March 2000 when I was 6 my Mum, Esther Mary was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the bowel. A family who were close to both my parents took me in as their own, and cared for me. They loved me as my Mum and Dad loved me – I felt cherished and protected. I looked up to them, especially the Mum, Mandy. She stepped in the place of my mum temporally. Her heart for people still amazes me to this day. Spending several months as part of their family, I was quite oblivious to the seriousness of my Mums illness.
My family was broken. My Church family were distraught. Nevertheless, it brought the people together in agreement to pray for her healing.
Several months later in 2000, my Mum, Esther Mary Butt died. My Dad told me that her last words in her hospital bed were “I want to go home … Take care of Debbie.” In peaceful sleep she went.
Being so young, I did not know what to do but just cry as my Daddy explained that “Mum has gone to heaven”.
I don’t have many memories of this time of my life, but I remember vividly the morning that Mum had died and when Dad came back from the hospital. My eldest brother Tim, my sister-in-law Simone and I were all in the kitchen. I was playing my recorder to Simone and Dad walked in. The next thing I recall is crying in Simone’s arms. My Family soon realised that my Mum was the link to unity and peace in the family.
After Mum had died I became so close to my other brother, Simon who was still living at home. I loved giggling at how he used to chase me up the stairs – the tickle monster. He would talk to me about school, and I used to tell him of the nasty boy called Oliver who would make fun of me. He’d teach me about computers and sing songs composed on his guitar.
A year later, in 2002, my Dad re-married. There were constant arguments in the house between my Dad and Simon, at age 21 he had had enough. He changed his surname, blocked out the whole family and hasn’t been seen since.
After my Dad baptised me in 2007, my emotions hit rock bottom. I began to realise that I had missed out on knowing my Mum: her embrace; I couldn’t even learn to love her favourite perfume or colour. I started to self harm and take out my anger, frustration and pain by cutting myself with a pair of scissors on my wrist. I had lost two people that were so close to me.
I remember doing sports at school and trying to hide the cuts on my arms. A few of my friends started to self harm at the same time also. It takes a lot of people, including me, to hit the point of depression before things start to change for the good. I became desperate for Jesus realising He was the only person who could stable my emotions.
Things started to change as I got older and got to know Jesus and Holy Spirit personally. I desired the gifts of the Spirit and everything God had for me, so I dared to ask Him. Sure enough, He started to water and transform the seeds He had planted in me since I was as an embryo. I personally had a revelation of Jesus. I felt the deep love of the Father. His adoration for me, and the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross.
On 7th March 2009, one Friday night at Revival Fires (a church I used to go to frequently) I was just in worship and God was just showing me things about my childhood and past and where He was in all of it.
From when I was newly born, Jesus was there watching me grow up. When I fell asleep on the floor with Dad – Jesus was there. When Mum had just died and I put on lots of weight – Jesus was there. When I was in a depressive state cutting my wrists, He was there. After taking me through all these memories and images Jesus said to me “I will heal your heart, just like I healed your wounds.”
Jesus ministered to me personally, healing my heart and dealing with memories I had of my childhood and teenage years. He was bringing back a lot of pain that still remained in me.
He changed my life. He changed the way I saw things. He changed my attitude. He changed my uncontrollable emotions. He changed my everything.
Due to the nature of my personal testimony I have received countless emails through my website, either commenting on my testimony, expressing the hope it has given them, and often sharing their own personal stories with me. There have been several people over the years that I have done personal healing ministry with. But I would like to share an email I received recently. It is the first testimony of this particular nature, but to God it’s all the same. His Grace is sufficient.
To respect the privacy of the man I have used the proverbial “John Doe” Below is the email I received.
Hi Patti – My name is (John Doe) I too grew up in a home with sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, psychological and spiritual abuse. At age 24, I entered the gay life and became immediately sexually addicted. I went deeper into that lifestyle and began taking drugs from age 30 – 35. I was essentially re-abusing myself sexually and physically over and over…all the while trying to heal a distorted gender identity and “connect” with an abusive father and through by having sex with men. Twelve years ago this June I had an enormous break down after two years of epiphanies/revelations that brought me to a decision point for Christ. Two days after making the decision for Christ I began to decompensate and had a psychotic break. I still suffer from dissociation and a sense of separation from God, myself and others. I have suffered intensely…as I’m sure you are familiar with.
I would love for you to pray for me. I don’t know what to pray for other than for God to have mercy and to heal me. Thank you and God bless!
Thank you Pat. I look forward to speaking with you.
I did call him and we talked for about an hour. At one point he shared that he had been brought up in the church, attended Sunday school and was in the church for about 17 years, and said “Patty, in all that time I don’t ever remember anyone telling me that Jesus died for my sin!” How do you spend 17 yrs in church and not hear the most critical message that Jesus died for our sins and paid the price in full.
As people we are inclined to “rate” sin. How often have Christians quoted to a gay man of woman that “homosexuality is an abomination to the Lord?” Yes that is in the Bible, but why do we pick and choose according to our standards. Here are some other things that God hates according to Proverbs 6:16
16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, ( I think abortion comes under this category yet our tax dollars pay millions to pay for them)
18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
Who are you Oh one who judges! This man had a transformed life yet still struggles, mostly with unforgiveness but he is trying. I prayed and I know God did something. Not a word was in vain. I delight in any testimony of a changed life redeemed by Jesus. The details do not matter, what matters is a repentant heart and one seeking after God, for he shall be found.
How often do we quote John 3-16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever shall believeth on him should not perish but have everlasting life.” It goes on to say in John 3:17 “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”
I am happy to share this testimony with you. Please listen to “ You’re Not Guilty Anymore” by Aaron Keyes.
If you know of anyone who would relate to this story please share it. I have talked to some living the gay lifestyle who have had Christians and Pastors tell them point blank that God hates them! God hates sin….period. We were all dead in our trespasses regardless of what they were, and if you are a child of God you have been saved by Grace and not of yourselves so that no man may boast.
In closing I quote Isaiah 1:18
“Come now and let us reason together,” says the Lord. “though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
Written by Pat Torok
‘God works in mysterious ways’
I first met Patricia Torok on 25th February 2012, on a Christian online video conference with Carlotta Waldmann and seven other people. We were all sharing testimonies and speaking of God’s goodness. Patricia and I began to talk privately together and our friendship grew rapidly. Within weeks we were pouring out our hearts to each other! In conversation we said that in the future, one day we would be ministering together.
Patricia invited me to go to India, seeing my potential and gifting’s. I on the other hand, felt like the expectations of man were overcoming me! I’m used to swimming in the deep end, but this felt like I was having to dive from a 20 meter platform!
My battle with Self-Worth
I was very excited about India but I was apprehensive about my performance. Pastors there would be advertising “Evangelist Patricia Torok and Prophetess Deborah Butt” – how could I live up to such an expectation? I know my destiny of a Prophetess but I am definitely not stepping out in even a fraction of its potential! Would people ask me for words/prophecies or direction in their lives? What if I get it wrong? What about leading worship? I knew it wasn’t about my individual performance because I was only going for God, but I was really concerned about what people would think of me.
The week before I traveled to India, I visited my parents because my Dad was rushed to hospital. During my stay there, I was compelled to go to a local Church. It just so happened that the man speaking that night was a full time minister that traveled Europe doing healing meetings. He spoke about the amazing creative miracles he had seen. This stirred up the passion and excitement in my heart. At the end, I went forward asking for prayer about my struggle with peoples expectations. God spoke directly to my heart through him, reassuring me that everything would come naturally to me and that God would provide my every need.
Jehovah Jireh – God our provider
Since God had confirmed so many times that I was going to go to India with Patricia, money was not an issue or worry for me. I couldn’t afford to go. I didn’t have any spare money to go towards the trip. I earn so little at the moment that I am spending my earnings on living costs. I knew that because God wanted me there, He was gonna get me there! I had no other option either!
I received many gifts from people that enabled me to get everything I needed for the trip including the plane ticket. Within the last week before my trip I was still in need of £400. God set me up in positions where old friends were asking to spend time with me in order to give me more gifts for India. I just had to rely on God.
The morning I was leaving to start the journey to India I was £50 short – I hadn’t had enough finances to purchase the flight ticket. I had everything else except the ticket for the plane! Holy Spirit had got my heart and silently spoke to me and I knew that all I had to do was trust! I got on a coach to travel to the airport, still not having enough money. Just an hour before I arrived, someone had transferred exactly £50 into my bank account, enabling me to buy my ticket at the airport. Praise the Lord!! Patricia had told an Indian pastor that my flight number was F-A-I-T-H!
Faith is spelt ‘R-I-S-K’
On arriving India on the morning of the 3rd of November, all my past worries about peoples preconceptions of a young prophetess from England had disappeared. God had actually got me there! It was surreal to meet Patricia for the first time at Hyderabad airport. God’s plan had worked out and been successful. On a few occasions I said to Holy Spirit “You’ve actually got me here? Nice one!!! Well done!!” After the crazy adventure He had got me through to arrive in India, I realized I was safe in His arms! He could protect me! He could provide for me! He could get me through anything!
In the first week of being in India I found out that I had -£0.49 in my bank account. Trusting God was getting easier for me. Since God had helped me get over my worries, provided for me and got me to India, I was certain He could provide for me whilst I was there! I ended up receiving more financial gifts and was able to even buy presents for my friends back in England.
Jehovah Mekoddishkem – The Lord Who Sanctifies You
Jehovah Jireh – The Lord Will Provide
Jehovah Tsidkenu – The Lord Our Righteousness
Jehovah Rapha – The Lord That Heals
Jehovah-Raah – The Lord My Shepherd
Jehovah Shalom – The Lord Is Peace
We are born to worship God!
Sometimes I see myself on a diving platform, ready to jump off into the pool of water far below. But Jesus is always standing right behind me, egging me on. India was completely out of my comfort zone but OH Hallelujah! God broke through my insecurities and used my weakness to make His strength perfect…
2 Corinthians 12:9 (Amplified Bible) “But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness.
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!”
God I thank You that You are trust worthy! You are pure! That Your yoke is easy, and Your burden is light. God I praise You for all the miracles You have done in my life. I pray that as the readers put their trust in You, that You would display Your glory where ever they go! God would You pour out Your strength and power on them, displaying supernatural miracles, signs and wonders! Empower them with boldness and security in You to preach the gospel to all men and all nations!
It was nearing the end of our time in India when we were taken to a very remote village in the state of Tamil Nadu. As we began to enter the village by car we could hear preaching over a loud speaker, but it was not preaching Jesus. In fact it was Muslims preaching Mohammad! It has become a new venture for Islam to hold evangelistic meetings and broadcast in this manner. In 12 yrs of visiting India in cities or remote villages I have never come across this. My new missionary partner Deborah Butt of UK said “so we’re competing against Allah tonight” I said “No Problem!” I will stand toe to toe with anyone and the Gospel of Jesus Christ will always rule as the Power of the Gospel is a force to be reckoned with. “For the Word of God is Living and Powerful, sharper then any double edged sword; piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
To be sure it was a volatile situation. We later learned that as the pastor who had scheduled this had rented a rickshaw with a speaker announcing that two women missionaries, one from America and one from UK would be preaching a message tonight at 7 pm. There became immediate opposition from both Hindu and Muslim. A few went about the village threatening people NOT to attend the meeting! This is not to be taken lightly as the persecuted church is a serious problem in India and other parts of the world. One should also be “wise as serpents and gentle as doves” Matt 10:16
Here is an amazing confession. As we sat in a side room waiting to be introduced, In the natural I did not know anything about the threats earlier in the day nor the fact that the main pastor was still trying to resolve conflict within the village. But….I looked out into the night sky and just asked the Lord for a garrison of angels round about us, then starred into the sky knowing they were there just wondering how large a company of angels that would be. That they were there was not the question. I didn’t know there was threat of an intrusion in the meeting by opposing Hindu’s and Islamist. I only knew something felt “off” in my spirit and I immediately ask for protection without giving into fear.
When we were finally called out we started off with Worship. I started with a Worship song I had written called “Ode to Abba”, followed by “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back.” Deborah led in a few more songs and then instead of going into preaching I felt led to start off with testimonies. The pastor who had taken us there gave his testimony and we called a few from the audience to give testimonies of their experiences. Deborah gave hers which is very powerful and at last I gave mine. I explained to the people how important our testimonies are and quoted Rev 12:11. “They overcame by the Word of their testimony and the Blood of the Lamb.” Any person can dispute your ‘doctrine or belief’ but you absolutely cannot dispute a persons personal testimony of a changed life as of the result of a personal encounter with the One True Living God Jesus Christ. I can certainly imagine that there may have been within those seated, Muslims and or Hindu’s just waiting for me to say a word against their “gods” or religion. But I did not. Instead we gave testimony after testimony of the Power of God in our lives, Miracles and such and then we stopped to allow Holy Spirit the freedom to come in the fullness of His Glory.
First I did an altar call several people stepped forward. I led in a sinners prayer through translators and then began to move through the crowd. This is what any who were there to spy the meeting would have seen to report back. The Power of God came down, people were suddenly speaking in tongues, some slain in the spirit, some jumping for joy but the witness of this had to be quite compelling. As God is faithful there was no disruption and many Miracles.
After the meeting was over is when we were told about the threat. It was nearly 11 o’clock by then as all were gathering chairs and speaking to one another. I was the first to walk to the car where an old woman was waiting. I had no translator with me at the time but I layed hands on her and began to pray. At that time pastor Samuel was present and I asked him to ask her if she wanted to receive Jesus. He said she wanted to come to the meeting but was afraid because of the threats but she was waiting for us…waiting for Jesus. Hallelujah! Her countenance changed immediately and I could see the peace in her eyes. We hugged and said goodbye. It was a Glorious night!
Written by Patricia Torok